"Carnival" is a veeeery special song to me. It's odd that I wrote about a much older period in my life even after years of growing from it and finding my peace.
I don't remember what brought the memories back up, but I do remember musing over the list of insane things that happened during this chaotic year I had in Malibu, CA. It was like an old motion picture reel. Every time this mysterious part of my life comes up in conversation, people are shocked and hooked to the plot like it's a movie. Sure, it was very entertaining - dark, gluttonous, filled with adventure and conflict; demons, angels, and anti-heroes in the murky shadows of drug-infested Los Angeles... but it was real. I have trouble reminding myself that it was real.
"Carnival" is a reflection on the people I knew that year and how it truly felt to be a NPC (non-playable-character) in their twisted storylines. These toxic actors were pretending they were my friend and convincing me that no one else would be. They whispered falsities in my ear, they did anything they could to keep me on their team and away from anyone else's. They were master puppeteers and wanted empathetic souls who would give them attention, whom they could sink their teeth into. They wanted a gap filled, a sense of validation, a wounded child to be humored; Everyone wanted distractions - anything but authenticity. And they wanted to say they had someone "like me," in their circle. That having someone who was kind, intelligent, warm, hardworking, artistic... having someone like that believe in them meant they were good and never have to change.
It was a sick fantasy, an explicit carnival, and one that I grew a lot from, very quickly, so I'm supremely thankful for it in that respect.